so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
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I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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