Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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