help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just had sex bonerless
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
