My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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