i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
