He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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