I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
