don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
