OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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