so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
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Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
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Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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