you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
