my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize