I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
