my mouth tastes like poor choices
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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