What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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