so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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