Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
