One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
