Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
