Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
