I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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