Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
