she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
