I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
