she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
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I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
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I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.