I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
