The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
