Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
