This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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