I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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