I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
