3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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