Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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