listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
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We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
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Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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