I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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