My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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