WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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