life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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