I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
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I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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