maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He passed out mid-signature
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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