I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
