Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
