i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Randomize
