the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
