Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
