How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i was born a porn star she said
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
