Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Your cock deserves a montage
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
