ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
