You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
