what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
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The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
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All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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