I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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