My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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